


When A Heart Breaks

by TheOculusRift



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, F/F, F/M, IM A DEMON, Lots of Angst, Manipulation, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicide, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 15:21:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15665910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOculusRift/pseuds/TheOculusRift
Summary: Her only reason to live was her.Too bad the world had a different plan.





	When A Heart Breaks

**Author's Note:**

> Ayyyyyyyy!  
> Your resident angst writer is back with another angsty ass thing.  
> I thought about not posting this and exclusively writing this for my friends but I decided to post it in the end.  
> I said I would try not to torment Monika anymore as the prime target to my angst but... heh... sorry that didn’t happen. I’m sorry my emerald eyed bab.  
> Also, I’m putting in a ship I actually hate. It’s the only way to make the angst work. I usually use Ren as the male version of the protagonist, but not today! Today you’re getting the actual dickish, dense jerk MC I have decided to call Haruto. Well, actually, he’s the game MC persona but a bit edited to make him worse.  
> I’m not going to enjoy writing him but either way, whenever I write angst, my heart breaks as I torture the characters so it’s just going to be another part of the process.

Monika POV

 

I was utterly in love with her.

 

From her beautiful figure, to her adorable personality, every part of her enraptured me.

 

I could barely contain myself when I saw her in the club.

 

But years of acting happy, confident and calm helped.

 

She didn’t notice a thing.

 

As long as she didn’t notice, I would be okay.

 

If she knew how I felt, I didn’t think I’d be able to take an answer, no matter if it was a yes or a no.

 

Just having her anonymous to my feelings was good.

 

After all, if she did figure it out, my heart wouldn’t be able to take the strain of getting turned down, or knowing I was going to become a burden to another person.

 

Depression, anxiety... all of those negative emotions that spiraled through my mind...

 

Those feelings didn’t allow happiness to exist.

 

Even if I can’t feel happiness or love for myself, as long as I have her there, I’ll be okay.

 

Just let her stay with me as a club mate.

 

Just let her stay my friend.

 

Just let her remain oblivious of my heart.

 

Just let her stay as no one’s.

 

******

 

“Um, Monika? Could you help me?”

 

I raised my head to see Yuri standing in front of me. She seemed more on edge today, her eyes flickering about the room and her hand nervously fiddling with her hair.

 

“Of course! I’m the president after all!” I responded, almost feelings sick from the blatant lie. I didn’t have any confidence that I could help her nor did I believe I could.

 

“T-Thank you...” She smiled softly. My heart did a flip when I saw it, all of my feelings wishing to burst from my chest.

 

“I-I was wondering... if you... could... um... teach me how to deal a love letter.”

 

My eyes widened and I jerked back, trying to process what she asked.

 

“A l-love letter...?” I stammered.

 

“Yes,” Yuri said with a blush. “I-I know it’s a bit strange seeing that I’m not really popular at all but... I got one today... and I don’t know what to do. They wanted to meet me after club time at school is over on the roof but I don’t know if I should go and...”

 

The information didn’t reach my ears. All I could hear was a voice ringing loudly in my head, saying the exact same phrase over and over again.

 

‘You’ve lost her. You’ve lost her. You’ve lost her.’

 

I... I can’t... she’s... everything to me... I can’t lose her... if I lose her... then...

 

“M-Monika? Um, did you hear me?”

 

I nearly jump out of my seat as I snapped out of my trance.

 

“S-Sorry about that. I spaced out. What did you say again?”

 

“I asked about what you usually do in response to a love letter.”

 

Ah. That.

 

I didn’t particularly like talking about the entire mess of love letters and confessions I had to deal with. It wasn’t a fun thing to do and I certainly did not enjoy turning people down and watching their reactions.

 

But Yuri is my friend...

 

I can’t be selfish and not tell her.

 

“I... meet them. Each time I get a letter, I always meet them and hear what they say. Although, I always turn them down...”

 

“O-Oh... okay. Thank you. That’s all I wanted to ask.”

 

Yuri waved goodbye to me and walked back over to her desk, opening her book again and scanning the words it front of her. A faint blush was still present on her cheeks, dusting her pale skin with pink.

 

My own face grew pale and clammy, fear surging through every inch of my body.

 

She’s going to be confessed to.

 

She’s going to be confessed to by someone.

 

What will she do?

 

How will she answer?

 

What if she says yes?

 

What if she really likes the person?

 

What if she stops going to the club to spend time with them?

 

What if it’s someone I know?

 

What if...

 

What...

 

If...

 

If...

 

...

 

...

 

What will I do if I lose her...?

 

******

 

I went home feeling sick to my stomach.

 

I didn’t have the guts or will power to go spy on Yuri on the roof. My now progressively growing anxiety wouldn’t allow me to.

 

My mother, Rose, had greeted me when I walked in, but I didn’t say a word in response, I simply kicked off my shoes and walked to my room, locking the door upon my entry.

 

I dragged myself over to my bed and collapsed in it, sobbing.

 

There was too much stress in the situation and my depressed and anxious self couldn’t take it.

 

My nails dug into my arms, making small narrow cuts near my wrists.

 

I need to bleed...

 

I just need to bleed all of these horrible feelings out...

 

I dug and scratched at my arms more and more, making more slices and and bruise marks along my scarred, scab covered wrists and forearms.

 

It always helped to bleed.

 

It’s what made each day a bit more bearable.

 

Bleeding out all of my depression is another thing that kept me sane.

 

As long as I bleed my feelings out, I can feel a bit better.

 

But for some reason, it wasn’t working.

 

No matter how much I cut and sliced at my arms, no matter how much blood I let out of my body, the feelings wouldn’t go away.

 

The horrible depression rocking my mind and soul wouldn’t leave.

 

My tear stained pillow only grew more wet from my nonstop crying.

 

“W-Why... why is... why won’t it... end...?” I choked out.

 

The rushes of negativity just wouldn’t leave my shredded body. I was breaking further and further but it just wasn’t enough for my depression.

 

Hateful words.

 

Awful, horrible things.

 

Thoughts of release.

 

Thoughts of fear and panic.

 

Thoughts of death.

 

I couldn’t think.

 

I was trapped in a state of absolute chaos where all I could do was take in every ounce of my detest for myself and my inability to do anything about my situation.

 

If I lose her... I have no one else to blame but myself.

 

It’ll be my fault... all because I was too much of a coward.

 

******

 

Walking to school was torture.

 

Well, actually, waking up was the biggest struggle.

 

I had no motivation or will to get out of bed.

 

My eyes stung from crying all night, my arms burned in pain from me clawing at them with my sharp nails and I could taste bile in my mouth from retching in my garbage can later last night.

 

All of my energy was sapped away and my will to try to live that day was at an all time low.

 

Not even the thought of seeing Yuri was motivating. After what she said yesterday, all I could feel was dread.

 

Today would confirm it all.

 

I had done all I could to prepare but deep down I knew I wouldn’t be able to take heart break.

 

******

 

“We’re... dating now...”

 

My mind shattered into a million pieces and nothing could put the pieces back together.

 

Yuri blushes shyly as she held an average, brown haired boy’s hand who grinned happily despite his obvious embarrassment.

 

“I was wondering when it would happen! That’s awesome Yu and Haruto!” Sayori said cheerfully.

 

“You two had been acting so pathetically around each other that I was afraid that you two would be too dumb to confess but it seems I was proven wrong,” Natsuki chuckled.

 

“Hey! We weren’t that bad!” Haruto argued.

 

The pinkette rolled her eyes. “Yeah, sure you weren’t.”

 

“W-Well, in the end, Haruto and I are finally dating. That’s all that matters,” The tall girl said, squeezing the boy’s hand.

 

He squeezed back, giving the girl a peck on the cheek. Her eyes widened and her face turned bright red, her gaze moving to the floor. Haruto laughed and simply put an arm around her waist, pulling her closed

 

He looked around and made contact with my shocked filled eyes. He stared blankly for a few seconds and then smirked devilishly. His mouth moved, but no sound came out. However, I didn’t need to her anything to know what he said:

 

“Too bad Monika. This c*nt is mine now bitch.”

 

No...

 

He did this... on purpose...?

 

He’s just... doing this... to hurt me...?

 

He’s... using her... to torment me...?

 

This... is a nightmare right...?

 

Please... let this be an awful dream...

 

But I knew it wasn’t.

 

This was reality.

 

And my broken mind was powerless against him.

 

He won.

 

And I lost everything.

 

******

 

An hour.

 

A day.

 

A week.

 

A month.

 

Haruto did everything he could to break me further.

 

He openly flirted with Yuri and got intimate with her during the club time. He kept me from talking to her, even when we were sharing poems.

 

I couldn’t meet up with her to spend time with her as a friend because he would take her on dates every time.

 

I couldn’t approach her during the school day because he would always be there with her.

 

He had a cruel smirk on his face every time he saw me. He glared at me when he could. Whenever Yuri wasn’t around, he’d say slurs at me. In the hallways, he’d trip me and laugh, but act as if it was an accident. When he would help me up, he’d purposely grab my cut up arms and squeeze it to make it burn and bleed.

 

He knew about my depression. He knew about my feelings.

 

And he was doing everything he could to use it against me.

 

He made me hate myself even more.

 

He made my self-harm grow more frequent.

 

He made my depression go deeper and deeper.

 

He took away the one thing that gave me a reason to want to live day by day.

 

He didn’t even treat her nicely.

 

On dates, he didn’t seem to show any interest in her. He made her pay for everything and would yell at her if she did something wrong. All the time, he would neglect her or shun her. And when they were together, he treated her like trash.

 

But she didn’t care. Or rather, she didn’t seem to mind or want to point it out because she loved him.

 

Those feelings made her turn a blind eye to his horrible ways.

 

My angel was being treated like worthless garbage by a monster and she didn’t even care.

 

That... was what hurt the most.

 

An hour.

 

A day.

 

A week.

 

A month.

 

Time ticked by and I fell further into the void.

 

There was nothing left...

 

I had nothing left to live for.

 

He took it all.

 

I... was only full of sorrow and hate for myself.

 

******

 

Freedom...

 

It sounds so pleasant.

 

And I want it so badly.

 

So, I’m going to grant myself that.

 

Freedom will finally give me the happiness I deserve.

 

I can escape my never ending hell.

 

I can escape Haruto and his torture.

 

I can escape my own heart.

 

I’m sorry Mom. I’m sorry my friends. I’m sorry my beloved.

 

I just can’t take it any more.

 

But don’t worry, I’m finally going to be free.

 

I stared at myself in the mirror. My face was pale and sunken in from starving myself. My arms were covered in bruises, scars, scabs and cuts. In my bony hand I held a small container.

 

That was my ticket to freedom.

 

No one could interrupt me. My mom was out on a business trip and my friends didn’t know a thing.

 

I opened it and raised it to my mouth.

 

I took in one last deep breath and downed it all.

 

At first, I felt sick but I soon relaxed.

 

It’s finally over.

 

I’m... free...

 

******

 

Yuri POV

 

I called for the 20th time and once again I got voice mail.

 

“Monika... please pick up...”

 

My eyes were stinging from crying. I was absolutely devastated from breaking up with Haruto.

 

I hated him, yet I still loved him at the same time and it made me feel sick. He treated my like dirt but I pretended he didn’t all because I was blinded by my heart. But it was when I heard about what he did to Monika that I was finally able to make myself confront the issues.

 

I had talked to him, I found out about his twisted personality and immediately broke up with him. I told Sayori and Natsuki about it and we all agreed to remove him from the club.

 

All we needed was Monika to approve of it, even though we knew she would.

 

I needed her for the decision, but I also needed her for comfort.

 

My heart was broken and I felt disgusted at how I had acted. But most of all, I felt guilty.

 

He told me his motive.

 

He wanted to torment Monika and used me as the main weapon of his plan.

 

What made it horrible was that she was in love with me but wasn’t able to say anything because she had depression.

 

She genuinely loved me.

 

And I was too blinded by a stupid crush to see her pure feelings.

 

And she had to deal with Haruto torturing her while dealing with her own horrible depression she hid with no one to rely on.

 

She was all alone and suffering.

 

And I was a part of her pain.

 

I sobbed again.

 

I’m awful...

 

I dialed her number once more.

 

The phone rang, but once again, I got voice mail.

 

She can’t be okay after all of this.

 

I need to see her.

 

I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my sweater and then dashed from my house.

 

All that mattered was her.

 

Nothing else mattered.

 

******

 

I knocked on her door only to be surprised when it creaked open on contact.

 

I hesitated for a second and then walked in.

 

I’m sure she won’t mind... hopefully...

 

It was silent. Too silent.

 

She had mentioned her mother was out for work so that meant she was the only one in the house.

 

I scanned the lower level rooms, but there was no sign of the president.

 

“Upstairs it is then...”

 

I climbed up the stairs and checked in the bedrooms.

 

Each one was empty of people.

 

I closed the door to Monika’s bedroom and looked at the last door.

 

The bathroom.

 

The door was open partially and I could see a light.

 

“Monika?” I said aloud.

 

No response.

 

I walked up to the door.

 

“Monika, it’s me, Yuri... I came to visit.”

 

Nothing.

 

“H-Hey...” I said, my voice getting shaky. “Monika... are you there...?”

 

Nothing.

 

My heart raced.

 

My hand reached out and took hold of the door knob.

 

This is... a breach of privacy... and something someone... closer would do...

 

But even so...

 

I...

 

I gently opened the door.

 

“Moni-“

 

No.

 

No.

 

No.

 

No.

 

No.

 

No.

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

This...

 

This is a dream...

 

This isn’t real...

 

That’s... not her...

 

It can’t be... her...

 

She can’t be... dead...

 

Please... just wake up already...

 

GOD PLEASE LET ME WAKE UP!

 

But I knew there was nothing to wake up from.

 

That was her body laying on the cold tile ground, and empty pill bottle next to her.

 

I fell to my knees, my eyes wide in shock and my entire body trembling.

 

With a shaky hand, I touched her limp hand.

 

It was cold.

 

She was dead.

 

No...

 

NO!

 

Why... is this happening...?

 

She... she didn’t deserve this...

 

This...

 

This is all my fault...

 

I should’ve seen it all sooner.

 

I should’ve done something for her!

 

She was my close friend and I couldn’t see anything! Her depression, her feelings, NOTHING!

 

And... now that I know... it’s already too late...

 

“Ha... ha...”

 

I laughed weakly up at the ceiling, tears pouring from my eyes.

 

“This... is... too much... to take in...”

 

I just kept laughing brokenly at the ceiling.

 

All my fault.

 

It really was my fault in the end.

 

I should’ve known it all.

 

If I did, I would’ve helped her.

 

I would’ve spent more time with her.

 

I would’ve reciprocated her feelings and try whatever I could to make her feel loved.

 

But I can’t do that anymore.

 

All of this... is on my shoulders...

 

And this guilt will never leave me in the end.

 

Never.

 

Never.

 

Never.

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

******

 

No One’s POV

 

Dear Yuri,

 

I’m sorry for doing this to you. I know you must be devastated, but it’s okay. You really couldn’t have done anything to stop this. This depression I’ve had was tearing me apart for so long so even if I didn’t break now, I would’ve broke eventually.

 

Well, I should explain the depression. I’ve had it all my life. I’ve never loved myself once. I’ve never felt confident or happy. Everything I showed you was just a façade to keep people from seeing my true weak self. I’m sorry for lying to you. I was just scared. I didn’t want you guys to know and feel like more of a burden than I already felt I was. I was just... selfish.

 

Please don’t blame yourself for not noticing. I’m a good actor, so you would’ve never seen past it. Haruto was the only one who knew because like me, he was a good actor too. He hides his twisted self behind a mask of an oblivious, dense boy. I don’t know if you noticed it yet, or if you do know but choose to ignore it, but he’s not good for you. He’s... a disgrace to the human race.

 

Anyways, I... don’t know if you already know, and even if you do, I want to tell you anyways.

 

I’m love with you. I have been since the day we met. The more I got to know you, the more I started to realize my feelings. I love everything about you, even the things you think are flaws. To me, those are just the traits that make up the amazing perfect person I love. I never could work up the courage or confidence to tell you. It’s a bit sad I won’t ever get to say this to you in person, but I’m happy in the end I got to tell you.

 

You dating Haruto... hurt. A lot. It broke my entire heart and mind. Even though Haruto was cruel to me, his actions directly to me didn’t hurt me the most. It was seeing someone as amazing as you dating a guy who didn’t deserve you and was treating you horribly. That’s... what hurt the most...

 

It’s a lot to ask since you love him, but I hope you break up with him. You deserve so much better Yuri.

 

Please don’t blame yourself or Haruto for this. The only one to blame is me.

 

I’m sorry for being so selfish, but I needed this freedom.

 

Once again, I’m sorry, and from the bottom of my heart, I love you Yuri.

 

Goodbye.

 

-Monika

**Author's Note:**

> There’s really nothing to say here other than I hope you enjoyed.  
> My heart feels like it broke.


End file.
